A toxic parent is someone who, knowingly or not, damages your emotional well-being through the use of control, fear, guilt, or manipulation. 

Maybe you’re in tears after a tough day at work, and instead of comforting you, your parent starts recounting how their job troubles were so much worse.

Or perhaps they implicitly pressure you to become a doctor like they’ve always wanted, and disregard your dream of starting a creative business. Their way is the only “right” way.

This can lead to a lifetime of low self-esteem, perfectionism, anxiety, and chronic self-blame. These are just some of the residual issues I see in adults who have/had a toxic relationship with their parents.

If this sounds familiar, please know that it’s not your fault and that you have the power and the right to set boundaries for your own mental well-being.

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RELATED: How to Stop Being a Perfectionist

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The 4 Types of Toxic Parents

Emotional and psychological abuse from toxic parents is, unfortunately, more common than many might realize.

The effects of such mistreatment can be long-lasting. For instance, a study found that 80% of young adults who were abused as children develop at least one psychological condition.

When your parents aren’t the ones looking out for your emotional well-being, you might feel trapped in a cycle of constantly putting others' needs above your own. You might always be on edge, waiting for the next time someone snaps at you or belittles you.

So, how can you stop this cycle?

First, let’s look at the different types of toxic parents before getting into how to break the cycle of abuse:

• The Narcissistic Parent: Everything revolves around their emotional needs. They disregard your feelings and make it all about themselves, leaving you feeling emotionally neglected and drained.

• The Controlling Parent (a.k.a. “Helicopter Parent”): Helicopter parents may try to oversee every aspect of your life. Under the guise of caring, they’re overly involved in your business and often restrict your activities, making your world smaller. They treat you as an extension of themselves rather than as a unique individual in your own right.

• The Guilt-Tripping Parent: This type of parent subtly manipulates your emotions by making you feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. Guilt-trippers may try to pull you in with their own stories of woe and victimhood and may give you the silent treatment until you “give in.”

• The Neglectful Parent: Emotionally unavailable, too busy trying to get their own needs met, the neglectful parent fails to provide you with the support and care you deserve, leaving you to fend for yourself, even when you're struggling.

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RELATED: California Online Psychiatrist 

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9 Signs of Toxic Parents:

Parenting is one of the most important—and challenging—jobs in the world. It requires empathy, maturity, patience, love, and an understanding that children are unique individuals with their own thoughts and dreams.

Unfortunately, not all parents fulfill this role in a healthy way. 

But what exactly makes a parent toxic, and how can you spot the signs? 

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1. They Don’t Recognize Your Unique Self

One clear sign of toxic parenting is when your parents can’t see you for who you truly are. 

Instead of appreciating your individuality, they might try to force you into a pre-made mold of their own creation.

This can make you feel invisible, unimportant, and like your own heart and soul don’t matter.

Examples:

• Career Path: They might say, "computer science, medicine, law, and finance are the only respectable career paths." This disregards your passion for something like music or history and seeks to steer you into a field that may not be aligned with your true interests.

• Dismissing Hobbies: "Painting is just a waste of time." They might belittle your creative pursuits, pushing you towards something they deem more practical and lucrative.

• Ignoring Achievements: Downplaying your academic successes, by saying, "Well, I graduated with Honors, too" instead of celebrating your accomplishments.

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2. They Impose Their Worldview on You

One of the most hurtful toxic parenting behaviors is when your parents have a rigid set of beliefs that they expect you to adopt without question. 

This can create a lot of inner turmoil, especially if your values and beliefs don't align perfectly with theirs. 

It’s tough to navigate feeling pulled in different directions, trying to reconcile what you genuinely believe with what you’re being pressured to accept.

Examples:

• Religious Beliefs: "You’re a Christian. It’s the only right way." This can create tension if your beliefs differ.

• Political Views: "Our candidate is the only right choice. We’re embarrassed/disappointed you’re choosing the other candidate." Pressuring you to align with their views without considering your perspective. They criticize and name-call you if you think differently.

• Lifestyle: Criticizing your personal choices, by saying, "Your lifestyle is just not acceptable," if parts of your life don’t fit neatly into their ideals.

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3. They Act as if They Own You

If you struggle with making decisions as an adult, it could be because your parents never let you decide for yourself as a child. 

They might act as if your very existence is a result of them, implying ownership and that they have the right to control your choices simply because they brought you into the world. 

Unfortunately, these toxic behaviors often continue into adulthood. 

Examples:

• Control: "You really should marry someone with blond hair and blue eyes” or “I’m going to choose your college classes for you because I know better.” They might dictate your career, relationships, or personal choices based entirely on their own desires.

• Expectations: "After everything I've done for you, the least you can do is listen to me." This creates a sense of obligation, making it hard to set boundaries or feel truly supported.

• Decisions: "You’re spending money on that? You should be saving every penny. I’ve told you a hundred times how to manage your finances better, and clearly, you’re just not listening." This undermines your ability to make choices for yourself, leaving you feeling powerless in your own life.

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4. They’re Mean-Spirited

Toxic parents can often be quite hurtful in ways that cut deeply, whether through overt criticism or more subtle emotional jabs. They might belittle your achievements, dismiss your feelings, or fail to offer genuine support. 

This kind of negativity goes beyond mere criticism; it chips away at your soul and makes you feel “less than” and inferior. 

It’s hard to feel good about yourself when your parents’ words and actions consistently undermine your self-esteem.

Examples:

• Criticism: “It’s about time you got promoted. I was starting to think you’d never move up.” This can make you feel like your accomplishments are only noteworthy when they meet someone else’s standards.

• Derogatory Remarks: “You’re too sensitive and always overreacting. It’s not that big of a deal.” This can make you feel like your genuine emotions are invalid, causing you to doubt your feelings and be less likely to express them again.

• Lack of Support: “No, that’s not right. You’re wrong. That’s not true.” This makes you feel like your thoughts and ideas are always wrong and not worth listening to. 

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5. They Manipulate You

Emotional manipulation is a strategic tactic used to control your actions and decisions. These tactics create a confusing, hazy environment where your choices feel heavily influenced by your parents’ demands. 

Manipulation often feels like a game with ever-changing rules, making you constantly question and second guess yourself.

Examples:

• Guilt: “Everyone else’s adult children live in the same city/state as their parents, why don’t you?” This can make you feel obligated to prioritize your parents’ desires over your own, even when it’s against your best interests.

• Fear/Threats: “If you don’t do this, I’m going to forget about you and you might as well forget about me.” This can make you feel anxious and pressured into complying with their demands to avoid losing their approval or resources.

• Confusion: “I know I said that last week, but now I’m saying this {opposite thing}. Why can’t you get it right?” This can leave you feeling confused and unsure of how to meet their ever-changing expectations.

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6. They Use Guilt to Get Their Way

Guilt-tripping is a common trick toxic parents use on unsuspecting children to get you to meet their demands. 

This can make you feel like you’re responsible for your parents’ happiness, which puts an enormous amount of pressure on you. 

This dynamic leaves you feeling drained and overburdened, as you try to keep up with their needs while neglecting your own.

Examples:

• Guilt-Trip: “You’re not coming home this weekend? I just wish you would make time for family” This can make you feel pressured to comply with their wishes to alleviate your sense of guilt.

• Manipulative Praise: “You’re so successful—imagine how much better it would be if you did more for me.” This makes you feel as if your achievements are only valued if they also benefit your parents.

• Emotional Leverage: “Remember when I did X for you? You owe me.” This can make you feel indebted and coerced into actions that may not be right for you.

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7. They Make the Conversation About Themselves

Do you ever feel like conversations with your parents always shift back to their issues?

This self-centered behavior can be really tough to endure. You rarely get the empathic support or compassion you need.

Instead of feeling heard, listened to, and understood, you end up feeling like your struggles and feelings don’t matter, reinforcing the belief that others are more important than you.

Examples:

• Shifting Focus: “You think you have painful periods? Mine were so much worse when I was your age.” This makes you feel like your issues are not worthy of attention, respect, or empathy.

• Self-Centered Stories: “That’s nice about your trip to New York. Did I ever tell you about the time I went to Peru?” This can make you feel like your experiences are trivial compared to theirs.

• Attention Seeking: “I’m sorry you’re sick, but my girlfriend just broke up with me and I need to talk to you.” This can make you feel that your need for support is secondary and not important.

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8. They Fail to Respect Boundaries

As an adult with toxic parents, you likely have issues setting and maintaining boundaries with others. This is due to growing up with parents who never respected your boundaries.

It can be painful and difficult to recognize these patterns, but it's important to remember that you deserve to assert your own needs and desires.

Examples:

• Intrusion: “I saw the texts on your phone. Why haven’t you told me about your new relationship?” This can make you feel like your personal life is being invaded and that you have no right to privacy.

• Overstepping: “I’m coming over to your place to help with the cleaning since you obviously need it.” This can make you feel that your personal space and time are not worthy of respect.

• Decision-Making: “We’re coming over next weekend!” This usually happens out of the blue and without your consent, making you feel that your preferences are being completely disregarded.

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9. They Fail to Understand the Responsibility of Good Parenting

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Good parenting is about nurturing, empathizing, and guiding with love and respect. 

Toxic parents often misunderstand this profound responsibility and use parenting as a means to fulfill their own needs and ambitions instead of creating a supportive environment for their child. 

Examples:

• Control: “You need to follow my career advice if you want to be successful. It’s not up for debate.” This can make you feel that your personal desires and inner knowing are being dismissed.

• Validation: “You need to succeed and achieve because it makes me look and feel good.” This gives you the message that your successes are valued more for how they reflect upon your parents rather than for your own personal growth.

• Self-Interest: “You should have children because I want grandchildren” This can make you feel that your life choices are being dictated to satisfy your parents' wishes.

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RELATED: My Favorite Resources for a Happier Life

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What To Say To Toxic Parents:

If you recognize these signs in your relationship with your parents, it’s crucial to understand that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. 

While confronting toxic parental behavior can be challenging, taking steps to address these issues can lead to healthier dynamics and a more fulfilling life for yourself.

Here are a few short scripts you can try using to handle your toxic parents:

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Script for Setting Boundaries: 🚌

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"I'd like to chat about [specific behavior]. It’s affecting me deeply, and I really need you to stop doing [behavior] from now on."

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Script for Seeking Support: 🚕

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"Remember the time you [hardship they went through]?" I’m dealing with a similarly difficult [problem] and I really need your support and help. Can you listen to me?”

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Script for Focusing on Self Care: 🍯

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"I’m sorry but I don’t want to [do this thing they’re pressuring you to do]. I need to stay home and take a break. This is really important for my mental health, and I hope you can understand."

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Script for Communicating Openly: 🚖

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"I’d like to have an honest conversation about how your behavior impacts me. I feel [describe your feelings] when you [the behavior they exhibit]. I’d like to talk about this. Where would you like to start?"

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If you're dealing with a toxic parent, know that you’re not alone, and that the emotional scars left behind can be significant. 

I welcome you to reach out to me if you’re considering professional support for dealing with toxic parents. We can talk about how to create more space and happiness in your life — whether that’s through therapy, medication, meditation, assertiveness training — or all four!

It really helps to have someone on your side — for once. 

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‍FAQs on Toxic Parents:

How to outsmart toxic parents?

It’s not about outsmarting them as much as it is about standing up to them. I know this can make your chest tighten but if your toxic parent constantly undermines you, it’s best to be clear and then redirect the conversation. For example:

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“I appreciate your concern, but I feel good about my decision and plan to move forward with my ideas” 

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Picture yourself calmly deflecting their criticism with a protective shield.

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What to do when my parents are toxic?

You can’t change your parents’ toxic behaviors, but you can make them aware of them. For example, the next time your parent tries to undermine your choices, you could respond with:

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“I understand your perspective, but I really need to make the choices that are good for me right now.”

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How to deal with toxic parents as an adult

If you're an adult who grew up with toxic parents, you’re likely dealing with low self-esteem, perfectionism, anxiety, and chronic self-blame. Sadly, it’s probable that your parents’ behaviors haven’t changed all that much as you’ve become an adult.

You can deal with toxic parents as an adult by setting firm boundaries, calling out their behavior, and restricting their access to you, even if temporarily. 

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Remember : Access to You is a Privilege, Not a Right

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Whether you're struggling with toxic parents, codependency, depression, anxiety, or difficulties with assertiveness, you deserve to get the help you need and to start your healing journey today.

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Services We Offer and How to Get Started 🌿

Dr. Ambardar works with adults, ages 18 and older, and provides concierge psychiatry, psychotherapy, medical weight care, and coaching services including:

• Comprehensive psychiatric evaluations
• Personalized treatment plans
• Medication management
• Holistic Psychotherapy (both individual and group)
• Integrative medicine
• Advanced functional lab testing (including detailed micronutrient, GI/Gut health, and pharmacogenomic testing)
• Holistic approaches (including nutraceuticals, botanicals, and supplements)

Ready to begin your own therapeutic journey towards happiness and mental well-being? Contact The Happiness Psychiatrist® today and discover how award-winning integrative psychiatrist Dr. Sheenie Ambardar MD can help put you on the path to your best, happiest self. 

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