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We've all been there—those moments when it feels like the world is closing in, and the voice in your head says, "I hate myself." These thoughts often come from challenging circumstances such as toxic relationships, personal failures, a harsh critical inner voice, or unmet expectations.

It's important to keep in mind that self-hatred, like happiness, isn't a constant; it's more of a fluid state of mind that ebbs and flows.

Depression may be one reason you're experiencing self-hate. But it's not the only possible reason. Anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, OCD, Trauma, PMDD, and Binge-Eating Disorder all play a significant role in contributing to negative self-perceptions and perpetuating cycles of self-hate.

These mental health challenges often intertwine, creating a complex web of emotions that can be difficult to unravel without proper support and treatment.

Let’s talk about it.

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Why Do I Hate Myself?

Self-hate typically isn't about just disliking one or two aspects of yourself. 

It's everything.

From your thinning hair and facial blemishes to your lack of friends or romantic partners — life never feels happy or exciting. 

Here are some reasons why you might be feeling this way:

• High Expectations: You set the bar so high for yourself that you're constantly falling short and feeling like a failure. This can create a cycle of disappointment where every minor setback feels like a major defeat.

• Broken Promises: You struggle to follow through on your commitments, leading to frustration and self-blame. This can be exacerbated by perfectionism, where not meeting your own impossible standards feels like a personal failure.

• Perceived Shortcomings: From a bad job situation to marital conflict, it can feel like there's always something about yourself or your life that falls short. These perceived flaws can overshadow your accomplishments and positive traits.

• Unresolved Trauma: Past experiences, especially those involving emotional or physical harm, can leave lasting scars that affect how you view yourself. This unresolved trauma can manifest as self-hatred, as you might internalize the pain and blame yourself for your past experiences.

• Comparison to Others: In the age of social media, it's easy to compare your life to others. Seeing seemingly perfect lives online can amplify feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. Social media often hides the complexities and struggles that everyone faces, leading to unrealistic expectations.

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RELATED: How to Stop Being a Perfectionist

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‍4 Unhealthy Signs of Self-Hatred

You've tried affirmations, but they may feel empty when you say them out loud.

That's because your words are fighting with the internal "truths" you've conditioned yourself to believe (or others have told you to believe) about yourself.

This manifests as ongoing negative self-beliefs and behavioral habits such as:

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1.   Lack of Assertiveness: You're constantly saying "I don't know" or "I don't understand" or "I don't care" and letting others make decisions for you.

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‍2.  Constant Self-Criticism: You criticize yourself on instinct. From something as simple as stubbing your toe to losing your keys, you immediately say things like, "I'm an idiot," or "This is why nobody likes you." Even if you say it “jokingly,” this ongoing negativity can erode your self-esteem and make it difficult to appreciate your strengths.

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 3.  Isolation: You tell yourself it's your personality or you're too annoying to bear (maybe 1 or 2 people have even confirmed this). So you withdraw from others, feeling unworthy of their company or support. This isolation can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness and reinforce negative self-perceptions.

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4.  Self-Sabotage: You procrastinate, pile on extra work, or ignore your To-Do list altogether. You might engage in these habits because you fear your goals, so you need to reinforce the belief that you don't deserve success or happiness.

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RELATED: Healing Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)

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‍Your 5-Step Exercise to Overcome Self-Hate:

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Some doctors might write self-hate off as normal and tell you to find something you like about yourself (which you should).

But it's not that easy. 

I've been a psychiatrist for 16+ years, and if overcoming self-hatred was as easy as journaling positive thoughts every day, well, I wouldn't have a job. 

So let's be realistic. 

The key to feeling happy again takes a combination of intentional daily practices and working on your subconscious mind. 

However, this will only work if you can be honest with yourself. 

Which is why the key to loving yourself starts with this simple 5-Step Exercise:

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Step 1: Write a “Why I Hate Myself” List

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Take a moment to grab a piece of paper or open your Notes app and start listing out all the reasons why you think you hate yourself.

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‍The key is to be specific.

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For example, instead of saying “I hate my personality” give specific examples such as “I’m awkward” or “I can never hold a conversation” or “I apologize too much”

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If you can’t think of anything, you may be in a better place than you think!

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Don’t spend too much time on this section, and remember to leave space between each reason so we can dive deeper. 

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This brings us to Step 2:

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Step 2: Write Your Corresponding “Should” Statements

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For each reason you may hate yourself, there is usually an inaccurate and insidious “should” belief buried under the surface. For example, if you hate yourself because you’re 25 pounds overweight, your corresponding “should” statement might be: “I hate myself because I’m 25 pounds overweight because I should be model-thin”. 

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Go ahead and write a list of reasons why you hate yourself for each item in Step 1 using a corresponding “Should Statement”:

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“I should______.”

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As another example, let’s say you listed “I hate myself because I’m awkward and can’t hold a conversation” as a reason for your self-hate.

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Use the Should Statement to understand why you think you should hate these aspects of yourself.

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For example:

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1. I hate myself because I’m awkward and can’t hold a conversation 😵

Should Statement: I should be more extroverted and have a lot of friends/a best friend

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2. I hate myself because I’m not smart like my twin brother 👔

Should Statement: I should be exactly as smart as my brother and get into an Ivy League University just like him

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3. I hate myself because I’m not famous 🍊

Should Statement: I should be famous like Brad Pitt otherwise life is not worth living

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4. I hate myself because I’m not a multi-millionaire like Bob🎋

Should Statement: I should be a multi-millionaire by age 40 because money is the measure of my worth and standing in this society

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It’s natural to ask yourself why you feel this way, but stopping there often reinforces the belief that you “should” be different than what you currently are.

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‍The “Should Statement” may seem logical, but it’s not the full story.

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Instead of focusing on why you think these thoughts, consider where these messages and “shoulds” are coming from. 

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By doing this, you can gently shift the focus away from self-blame and recognize the myriad external influences that are likely shaping these beliefs. 

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This opens the door to reframing these thoughts, helping you see that these "shoulds" aren’t an inherent truth about you or life but rather reflections of societal or familial pressures and expectations.

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Which brings us to Step 3.

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RELATED: 15 Traits of Adult Children of Narcissists

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‍Step 3: Get to Know the Source of Your "Shoulds"

Beneath each Should Statement you wrote, take a moment to explore the deeper source behind why you might dislike yourself and feel inadequate.

Write the first thought that comes to mind. Don’t focus on how it makes you feel, but rather, who told you to feel you “should” be or have these things.

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Using our examples, you might write: ⬇️

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1. I hate myself because I’m awkward and can’t hold a conversation.

Should Statement: I should be more extroverted and have a lot of friends/a best friend.

Source: My mother makes fun of me and says there is something wrong with me / She says everyone has friends and I should too.

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2. I hate myself because I’m not smart like my twin brother.

Should Statement: I should be exactly as smart as my brother and get into an Ivy League University just like him.

Source: My parents imply that I am 'less than' because I'm not as smart as my brother and because I didn't get straight As like him.

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3. I hate myself because I'm not famous.

Should Statement: I should be famous like Brad Pitt otherwise life is not worth living.‍

Source: Media, magazines, movies, TV shows, Hollywood -- all imply that if I'm not famous, I'm somehow inferior as an artist and creative.

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4. I hate myself because I’m not a multi-millionaire like Bob.

Should Statement: I should be a multi-millionaire by age 40 because money is the measure of my worth and standing in this society.

Source: That girl I had a crush on after college didn't go out with me because I didn't have a high-paying job.

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The reality is that many of these negative self-perceptions stem from external influences like other people, society, parents, peers, romantic interests, Hollywood, and the media.

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Even TV shows like Friends or Sex and the City that you may consciously enjoy watching might be subconsciously influencing how you think you should be acting, looking, or living your life.

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‍But here’s the good news: these “shoulds” aren’t set in stone.

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You don’t have to buy into them in order to have a happy life.

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Instead, think about what your life could be like if you let go of some of these expectations and insidious shoulds—and ask yourself if they even really matter to you.

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RELATED: GLP-1: Treatment of Binge-Eating Disorder

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‍Step 4:  Visualize What Life Could Be Like If You Let Go of the ‘Shoulds’

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Look at the source of your shoulds and see if you notice a pattern. 

Is there a certain person or persons, media source, or social media platform that reinforces the idea of hating yourself?

It would be easy for me to tell you to eliminate these sources from your life, but that alone won’t address the deeper issues or fully eliminate your self-hate (although it might really help).

Instead, I encourage you to look at life beyond these limiting, constricting beliefs. Consider if these “shoulds” really matter to you and if you might be willing to let some of them go in order to live a happier life. 

Here's a script you can use:

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“I don’t need [why I hate myself] in order to feel adequate and good enough. I’m adequate and good enough just the way I am and I'm okay with [feeling/circumstance in your life].”

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For example:

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1.  I hate myself because I’m awkward and can’t hold a conversation.

• Life Beyond Limiting Beliefs: I don’t have to have a large group of friends or be a good flirt. I’m happy to be me and I'm okay with having a few friends who understand me. 

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2. I hate myself because I’m not smart like my twin brother.

• Life Beyond Limiting Beliefs: I don’t have to be exactly as smart as my brother. Not everything is about being smart. I can be exactly who I am and still live a good life.

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3. I hate myself because I'm not famous.

• Life Beyond Limiting Beliefs: I don't have to be famous in order to live a good, successful, creative life. Fame does not guarantee happiness or inner fulfillment.

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4. I hate myself because I’m not a multi-millionaire like Bob.

• Life Beyond Limiting Beliefs: I don't have to be a multi-millionaire like Bob in order to enjoy life and feel good about myself. Money doesn't define or overly impress me.

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We find reasons to hate ourselves when we feel the world values us more if we are a certain way.

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However, everyone will have different expectations of us — and it’s impossible to meet them all. 

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By focusing on what makes you happy without the pressure of these external “shoulds,” you reclaim control over your own happiness and peace of mind.

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This may involve making some personal adjustments, but ultimately, it’s about creating a life that feels truly authentic and right for you.

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RELATED: Women's Holistic Mental Health Care

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Step 5: Get Help from a Psychotherapist or Psychiatrist

If this exercise seems a bit tedious or if you're tired of waiting for happiness, consider reaching out to a seasoned psychiatrist and psychotherapist.

It’s normal to have questions or concerns before getting help such as:

• Does my Primary Care Physician (PCP) need to refer me to you?
• How much does treatment cost?
• What's the difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a psychotherapist?

While I can't diagnose you during a 15-minute consult, I can help you with next steps and what I would recommend for long-term happiness.

The best part? If you decide to start treatment, you'll receive a personalized holistic pathway for your mental health journey.

For example, if you’re interested in incorporating therapy and advanced lab work/supplements into your treatment plan, we can prioritize those approaches while still considering medication if it's needed. Your care is tailored to what works best for you.

Regular check-ins and a personalized plan from a psychiatrist are going to be the best way to tackle your specific form of self-hate and overcome it that much faster.

I welcome you to reach out today to discuss your struggles with hating yourself 🌷

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Self-Hate FAQs:

Is it normal to hate yourself?

Yes, feeling self-hatred is more common than you might think, but it's important to address it. 

Many people go through phases of self-loathing, especially during stressful or challenging times. It's a sign that something deeper might need attention and care.

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What does it mean when you hate yourself?

It often reflects deeper issues like unmet expectations, unresolved trauma, insecurity, or harsh self-judgment and self-comparison.

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Is hating yourself a sign of Depression?

Self-hatred can be a symptom of Depression, but it's not exclusive to it. Self-hatred can also accompany Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, Insomnia, PMDD, Bipolar Disorder, C-PTSD, and Binge-Eating Disorder.

These conditions often involve feelings of inadequacy, which can contribute to self-loathing.

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Is self-loathing a mental illness?

Self-loathing itself is not classified as a mental illness, but it can be associated with mental health conditions such as Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolar Disorder, PMDD, and ADHD (among many others).

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What do I do when I hate myself?

Start with small, intentional daily practices that foster self-compassion like the one in this post.

This can be difficult if you struggle with consistency, in which case, a psychiatrist can help you create and maintain a meaningful and helpful daily practice.

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Ready to Banish Self-Hate Once and For All?

We’re here to help you break free from the vicious cycle of self-hatred.

I welcome you to get started today by filling out this simple contact form

Your journey to healing starts here. Reach out today and let's start our work together to help you break free from toxic Self-Hate 🌸

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Sheenie Ambardar, MD is a Los Angeles-based Adult Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist who sees patients throughout California and New York via telehealth. Dr. Ambardar specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of adult men and women with Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Panic Disorder, ADHD, PMDD, Binge-Eating Disorder, and a host of other common mental health concerns.

Are you experiencing any of these conditions? Concierge psychiatry may be the solution you need. At The Happiness Psychiatrist®, we address the root causes of these issues—and many more—as well as give you the resources to build a fuller, happier life.

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